Ass-spackle, Invisigirdle, and ElbOff!

Today I was supposed to finish doing laundry, mow the lawn, buy a pitchfork, turn compost heap, maybe buy some lumber to build a sandbox, finish all reading for class, type up class notes.

Instead: did a little homework, pointlessly read real estate section of local newspaper, thought about translation, looked up obscure spanish words in the DRAE, downloaded music(The Mountain Goats, Twang Twang Shock a Boom), went to mall.

I did get the best t-shirts ever, one pink that says Bombshell bowling alley and one red with sparkling glitter ping pong paddles. A good trend, to make falsely aged t-shirts touting sports events from 1961. Also my first ever pair of some mildly low-rider jeans that fit and were cheap. My stomach is large, wobbly, and surgery scarred and I own no thong – my boxers will just have to hang out of there. I did notice that the low rider jeans make my ass look fabulously round. I was all goggling over my shoulder into the dressing room mirror and thinking, Hmm, baby got back! Ludicrous… I am now at the point where it will become increasingly silly for me to shop in the Macys junior dept. but I keep vowing to wear jeans and converse and have silly hair till I die of old age.

Will I be one of those sad candidates for ass spackle?

This was another great invention of Minnie’s! She described it as sort of an emergency kit – especially useful in that Macy’s junior dept. On the escalator faced with a skinny 16 year old’s butt crack? Whip out your kit and slap on some ass spackle! The grateful public wil fall at your feet. Of course the kit would come with a handy little trowel for laying it on. It’s also possible that there would be a superhero – so that you could yell “Hey, Ass Spackle!” and a chick in a flight mechanic’s jumpsuit and a shoulder bag would burst out of the mirrored wall right there on the Macy’s escalator and do the job.

The world will just have to deal with my stomach. It was cool being pregnant because your stomach is supposed to be huge. Some people are grossed out by the flaunting of pregnant bellies but I’m not. Oddly, I am grossed out by men’s paunches but think women’s are cute. I will just continue to flaunt my non-pregnant belly. Behold my soft fertile abundant bulginess!

Or will Minnie invent Belly spackle for me? Or maybe “Invisi-girdle”?

One of our other great inventions is “ElbOff!”. It’s a thing that unfolds and clips to the arm of a seat in an airplane, erecting a sturdy barrier between your elbow and the elbow of your exasperating neighbor.

With these inventions, someday, we will make ONE MILLION DOLLARS.