My first experience with real potty training this morning – not a good time as I was trying to work – and also because it seemed to be Day of Diarrhea. Aw man. I was ready to puke.
It was NOT fun sitting on the bathroom floor reading “My first counting book” and “Baby Bear can do it all by himself” like 50 times whilst next to another human being taking a giant prolonged squirty dump. And then having to LOOK at it.
Meanwhile the transcription, while audible today, was making me nuts. It used to always be Michael Vizard doing the interviews for InfoWorld Magazine. I would chortle with glee as he sarcastically drove a stake into the heart of some dumb ass sales guy for Dumbfuck.com. He would give them a long leash for a while and let them talk until they wound down, then sneak up and wham! he’d puncture their toad-like balloon of ignorant lies. “So what you’re saying is, your big web services enterprise software integration thing, it’s basically just XML.” [horrified pause] “Uh, well… yeah.” “So, exactly what differentiates that from e-FuckerTool.com’s XML enterprise services thing? What makes yours so special?” [frantic verbal scrabbling of sales guy to retain a scrap of his cool].
But this new guy, M–k J—s, has got to be the biggest sap of an interviewer. Every time, he is conned completely by the CEO or the CTO or the Sales head and they adroitly start questioning HIM and getting him to talk about his work and his own personal life. By the end the sales guy of iShitonyourCallCenter.com is spouting some dumb nonsense and M.J.’s only role in the interview is to say “Hmmm! Wow, cool!” or “That makes sense!” Like they need a cheerleader? Does he suck their dick too?
It makes me nuts. Mike, your silent transcriptionist misses you!
Around 2pm I was driving home from dropping off the transcription work and as my normally charming child whined thusly: “I wanna new dry diaper, I wanna diaper wipe, I wanna go to a library, I wanna go to a toy store, Need new dry diaper, no going home, going to a library, I want ice cream, I wanna go to a jungle, I wanna go to a zoo” …
… I caught myself longing to go have an early afternoon glass of wine or two … how long can this go on? I can’t think my own thoughts for 5 minutes without interruption…. ah, oblivion… could I just pass out please?
Anyway, we finally got home and I stuck M. in the sandbox and weeded my mangy, neglected flowerbed. 15 minutes and 3 new dry diapers later the phone rang and it was the preschool – he is finally off the waiting list and in the school for 5 days a week instead of two.
Thank you, God of Bad Moms.