rain and bed

I kinda just want to go to bed with my book and eat cookies. This morning I worked like crazy, then went to the post office to mail off another draft to my advisor and 2nd reader. It came out to 40 or so pages plus 8 pages of “front matter”, which are sort of like the entrails or maybe plantar warts of the thesis, done according to extremely strict guidelines as to how many inches apart everything has to be, phrased just so. “Front matter”. Ew.

The body of the thesis itself I have to start going through poet by poet. And it’s way too long. Yet there’s just ONE more poet I have to add in there even if it means cutting someone else!

Eliz. and I made cookies this afternoon and I made some chicken soup. She was super enthusiastic about the cookies and a lemon glaze, but then didn’t like the cookies or the lemon… She pretended to be an “ancient robot queen”.

I’m a little bit bummed out for no good reason.

Moomin’s in bed reading, with my heating pad… he’s a very sensible child!

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funny quote

From the airport as Moomin and I were leaving… He was hugging my mom and stammering out, “Grandma, I wish… I wish… I wish … “

“Yes?” (She and I were both thinking he was going to say something sweet about missing her…)

“I wish my butt were glued to Cactus!” (Cactus was the horse he rode in a couple of lessons they took him to.)

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mayhem in the badgerhouse

Moomin and Hamster have been shooting imaginary things for a couple of hours. Just now I was weeding, contemplating the destructive, preserving, and creative forces of Life in the form of some henbit along my rock border… and overheard this:

*in robot voice* “Transforming – into – twoheaded – Tyrannosaurus Rex – transforming – “

“pshew! pshewwwwww!”

“Hey look another tyrannosaurus rex! over there! In the tree! Get ready!”

“No wait! Don’t shoot it! I can comMUNicate with it ! In Tyrannosaurus language!”

“Wow yeah!”

“*mumble mumble mumble*”

“It says it wants to be our helper!”

“Good, we can be its friend!”

“Let’s have a little rest in the hammock.”

“Good! We’ll be rest-raptors.”

“Rest-raptors! We’re diurnal. That means, the opposite of nocturnal. ”

“Yeah, pretend we’re both raptors sleeping in a cocoon.”

Oooookay! You know, it was almost better when they were shooting everyone.

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playing animals

After an evening of staring at these thesis guidelines I turned to a nice hot bath and a relaxing book… Watership Down, which I nicked from my parents’ bookshelf. I was remembering how me and Bam Perry, a self-declared “cajun coonass” who took riding lessons with me and lived down the block, used to pretend we were in this book…

I can’t remember the specifics of the game, but we played it on neighborhood trampolines. Bam thought Bigwig was the coolest and sexiest rabbit, while I refused to choose just one. She could quote Bigwig at length. We would also be horses, and would play out how they would mate… on the trampoline! I can totally remember Bam whinnying and then how we’d crack up laughing with embarrassment. She was sort of butchier, and our other horse-loving friend Harleyne was femmier. Our nicest times were when we’d all play model horses and make a sort of horse society, or village, all over the floor with yarn to demarcate their houses… and we had a ton of other props. We all three liked the idea of a bunch of animals who’d go off to form their own society because the other animals were mean. Thus, utopian-leaning minds are born??

Man! It’s so funny to remember this and to think we must have been 11 or so.

I can’t remember anything that made us stop being friends; I was terrified of Bam’s older brother, who would spit on me and call me a damn yankee and who was in general a scary bully with a confederate flag gunrack; Harleyene was a little bit boring and normal – I got tired of her talk about boys and how she always wanted to dress up in her grandma’s costume jewelry. Also, she put on airs because she had a pool with a waterslide. Being in a bigger school with tracking split us up. My pariah status solidified as my allergies got worse and worse. I had to bring a whole box of kleenex to school, quite often… The bus rides were hell… first period, hell, then I’d get a little better until gym, if we had to go outside again. The first period teachers made me sit outside the classroom with my box of kleenex and a book.

The Acrobat told me today about this new asthma/allergy discovery… I can’t wait for some new allergy drugs! I’m wheezing right now, and have been ever since I got to Houston. The constant exposure to cigarette smoke didn’t help. Going back on steroids tonight… today’s nutty allergy attack had me barely able to see. Bring on the new asthma drugs!

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intensity overload

I’m glad we decided not to go anywhere today. I need a low-key day to get myself together. Moomin and I fly back to CA tonight. And then I have to do a bunch of writing and thought-organization for this whole trip, both for my thesis and for all the bloggity and personal information. It was overwhelming even for an intensity-junky like me!

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a great battle

Rook just showed me this marvellous home-made video of a lightsaber fight by Ryan Wieber and Michael “Dorkman” Scott, some Menlo Park teenagers. That’s some damn fine fight choreography! Really, watch the whole thing. Perfect pacing and acting, dramatic tension of a long fight sustained, everything well done. Better than many of the “real” movie fight scenes! These guys are well informed by Hong Kong movies and Westerns as well as by Star Wars. A fight is a story. Many moviemakers don’t understand that!

I notice they credited Pat Wieber for “Transportation/Facilitator”… is that a “thanks mom” I hear?

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cranky mom, airplanes

I swear I’m not making this up. Just now in Amelia’s in Deadwood, I was eating dinner with Minnie, Rook, Moomin, and our friend R. from San Diego. Two guys came up to us and said “OMG are you the founder of upcoming.org?” They were all excited! I explained that my t-shirt was swag from sxsw from a party. And they were still quite starry-eyed as they explained that they thought that site was the best thing ever and were all excited to meet me if I were the “woman behind upcoming.org”. Doesn’t it sound like I’m making it up?

Fucking weird!

Speaking of my brilliant parenting and my beautiful soul… I was a total cranky bitch today. I’m exhausted, Moomin whined all yesterday and fell (whinily) asleep in my lap on the plane so that I couldn’t barely move or get up to go to the bathroom. I suffered like a martyr. My sciatica returned full-blast to remind me why I used to be crippled. Then the seat-kicking bitch behind me got up to let someone past her, and stood in the aisle next to me talking very loudly about her boring, nasty life… get this, at 11pm when all the people around her were trying to sleep (I was reading, in desperate attempt to escape from my sordid existence.) Finally I asked her, not too politely though not with swears, to be quieter so that she wouldn’t wake up my kid. Heroism in action… as I’m sure the dozing people around me appreciated it to the extent they were conscious…

Then I had to carry 3 bags plus the sleeping Moomin off the plane. A mixture of coaxing and carrying, all through the airport… Mentally I was talking myself down at the thought that Rook would probably be waiting for us somewhere inconvenient and far away… And was pre-pissed off, and pre-forgiving him for this as best I could. But then! There he was! Right at the soonest place possible at the security checkpoint! He was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen… Moomin ran to him; very dramatic hug, frankly Rook hammed it up with wide open arms. I think a field of daisies sprang into being right there in the airport. But I was damned cranky. And all today I’ve felt like a giant bitch… Moomin still constipated and whiny, all afternoon… and then I persuaded Minnie to come over, why, I don’t know, so that she could see us at our worst? I forgot that our friend was staying over, too. In the restaurant, where, for a moment, I was a false celebrity to two extremely cute squirrely-tailed young geek guys – I was bitchy toeveryone! Then I bitched some more! Then I sternly told Moomin for the 49 thousandth time to quit whining and sit up in his chair. Then I refused to pay attention to him when he needed it. Then I ill-naturedly blamed his whining on my own mom. Oh, why did I say that! How unjust!

Instead of recognizing that *I* was also cranky and tired.. and so was he… and that we were jet lagged… Now I’m hiding in my room with my blog because I’m too cranky to deal with any discussion of our Buffy game. In fact I’m too cranky for anything! I’ve gone to bed at 2 or 3am all this last week. I’m tailspinning a bit about this, and my thesis, and all my undone projects. It was hard to be so social for so long this week! Usually I spend most of every day alone with books and computer.

Sleep will fix all this! Tomorrow I’ll be conquering the universe again.

Just had to get that off my chest.

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horses are very very big


DSCN1877
Originally uploaded by Liz Henry.

Moomin and my mom feeding Cactus, a horse in the Houston stables where my parents take riding lessons.

I know how nervous he must have been to feed this huge strange horse. Their mouths are slobbery and scary especially when you’re small and looking up at the huge yellow teeth.

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red hot motormouths in the red velvet buick

Breakfast again you-know-where on 3rd and Congress. Today they brought me coffee right away, with cream, without my asking. I watched the people behind the counter in their complicated dance, admiring how they worked together so smoothly… using just the right amount of therbligs. You could see people trusted and depended on each other to know what was going on. It was truly amazing to see a plate come out, get handed over to just the right waiter with just a word, knowing that someone had just made the tortillas 2 minutes ago. About 20 people working together in a tiny space. Damn! A perfect cafe.

Then I bought a bunch of tchatchkas in Tesoros next door. I hope everyone wants “Burning Virgin in Chains” purse mirrors for their presents.

I met Teresa at the convention center. Her car stunned me. A white buick with red interior including red velvety insides on the doors, and wood or fake wood panels, I didn’t look too closely. She matched her car perfectly, in her red cowgirl miniskirt with stars and white fringe! As soon as I have good net access again I’ll post my photos of her sexy poses with the car. Her trunk was full of books – good books – and she knew the world “therblig”.

All the way home we never shut up – I couldn’t wish for a better travel companion. The time flew by. With one leg up on the dashboard, one hand on the wheel and one on her latte, Teresa entertained me with her stories of living behind the Crazy Lady (where I used to work). As the PTA president she started “bring a worm to school day” where all the kids would bring a baggie with a worm and some dirt in it, and they’d introduce some extra worms to the soil to improve the school’s garden, and then celebrate with “worm pudding” which is lord knows what, but I can picture it, maybe some crumbled oreos and gummy worms. The principal withdrew their funding for the worm pudding, the day before Bring a Worm to School Day. My god!!! Evil! Teresa called all the churches and donors and businesses around and then walked into the Crazy Lady… after one phone call, the bartender handed her a hundred bucks for the worm pudding. Punchline: “The principal never pulled out my funding at the last minute ever again.”

Houston, it turns out, has had a formal program for years, called something like Tips for Tots – One day a year, all the strippers in town donate all their tips to the public school system. I looked around on the net but couldn’t find anything about it… “exotic dancer donate school”, nothing.

We talked about metaphors for politics. Hers was a car metaphor, with the message that the car is too broken to fix anymore. “If good people could fix the machine it’d fucking be fixed.” This somewhat in opposition to Suzette Haden Elgin’s metaphor of “fixing the car” which I pointed out was a working-class idea of car-fixing as a social and collective activity rather than something that you pay an expert to do.

I really liked Teresa’s stories about the CR groups she led for her kids’ schools (which were 33/33/33 black/white/latino) on race, called Colorblind 101. They met once a week for three weeks, allowing lots of time for breathing space, homework, and private discussions. They used hand signals to indicate group problems like “lower your voice, you’re shouting” which then passed into the general culture of the school in hallways, classrooms, etc. They also did polls for “the most irritating person” and discovered that people were most irritated by people of their own race.

I talked about people’s fear of being weird, and how people who don’t have it, or don’t want it, signify. Signifying it is useful. What does it take to help other people be comfortable with “being weird”… This was in a context of us both telling stories about being the only visible non-republicans in our mock elections in school. In her class, she was the only one not to vote for Nixon. I was the only non-Reagan voter, one year. And we talked about how what big city folks don’t get: to be that one non-mainstream in this fairly small within-the-system way, meant to othes that we were commie pinko liberal hippie faggot freaks. People would come up to me and call me that because I would say that I didn’t like Reagan. The margin of what “weird” was had been pushed out so quickly! All you had to do was stick out a tiny bit, and you became the devil. This is the fear that drives the Democratic machine into nothingness. (Here, you can imagine, extended from Giddings to Brenham, the rant from Teresa about Democrat party politics…) So, how to get people comfortable with being weird? They need safety, (insert other long mutual digression about how it’s not actually SAFE for people to stick out; their families, jobs, etc, which is why they leave, which is why they end up urban.) They need safety and they need ways to practice. This whole long idea is part of why I hate it when people make fun of people’s seemingly trivial ways of trying a noncomformist behavior; it is practice. By which I mean both practice for the ‘real thing’ and also, in many ways it is the real thing and is ‘daily practice of a discipline’.

Then we talked about health and doctors, mold, aspergillis, glycoprotein, fibromyalgia, and realizing one’s own boundaries. The supreme importance of sleep! Which I violate RIGHT NOW.

I called Mark and Darrin, who worked so very hard in the Astrodome and for months and months afterwards (and work on helping, still) swooping down on them as a surprise! What a treat to see them! They make Houston all shiny! They told me more stories about democratic politics – this time a depressing but cool one about precincts. Only like 60 people from their precinct bothered to vote, and as many Repubs didn’t vote as Dems.. general apathy… and in the meeting afterwards you show up and put your points forward to the general party, or state, or something… I was unclear on this, but the point is they were the only 2 people to show up, so the PFLAG agenda was sent off to the state democrats. Also … nice news in that they got married after the Prop. 2 anti-gay marriage bill was passed by the state election last fall. CONGRATS Mark and Darrin!!!!!!! Bad news in that only 15 couples showed up at the highly publicized protest where people went to ask for marriage licenses. You’d think in the 4th largest city in the nation, more than 30 people would have had the nerve to come out and get married.

My parents showed up with Moomin. I ran out to the car…

Moomin: Hi mom! How about if I don’t get out of the car.
Me: Hi Moomin! Darrin has a whole room full of only comic books.
Moomin: WHAT?!

With a look of unholy joy and expectation on his face, the sort that you’d wish your small child would have for you as he ran into your arms after a week of separation, Moomin ran right past me into the house, yelling, “COMIC BOOKS!”

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memory of a place

Yesterday and today, on the bus passing Waterloo Park I realized it was the place where Richard used to walk with me down the creek pathway and we’d end up on the swings there. I think. I never went there in the daytime, or on my own steam; I’d hold Richard’s hand and abandon any knowledge of where I was, deliberately getting lost. I never remembered where the park was, what it was called, or how to get there, but only thought of it as the place where I would dazedly wander at 1am while holding his hand in the moonlight. So a sort of “magic place.”

It’s like what Hester Prynne of La Letra Escarlata says about enjoying the moment when her glasses fog up and she can’t see. And then the swings would take on this magic metaphoric quality. I remember having a vague epiphany that epiphanies were possible even if you didn’t know what they meant, or if they were small-scale, not visible to anyone else, and inexplicable. Kind of like, “I’m on a swing in this funky situation, in a slightly scuzzy park but that to me is a Magic Place transfigured by tree branches against the moonlit sky, and here I am connected to all the other points in time when I’ve been on a swing, going back and forth in place, and in my own head, going back and forth in time between those childhood times and any future times.” It was very strange that I could tell that in Richard’s head it was also a meaningful place and moment and he was trying to communicate something in particular, some epiphany or metaphor of his own, but I never knew what it was. All that mattered is that we were both in that imaginary space.

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libraries, turitellae, punk!

I sneaked out of the conference this morning, ate at Las Manitas again, talked to a kid and dad who were on spring break vacation from El Paso and told them about where to find fossils, figuring I wouldn’t get a chance. He was a smiley little kid next to me at the breakfast counter, checking out my hair.

Then off to the library on the #20 bus! I found a ton of good stuff… it was like wallowing in exactly what I had been hoping to find. I need to spend a couple of weeks on the fourth floor, taking notes and typing things up. I wanted to go to the geek lunch on disaster relief but first, went down the hill to meet Dennis at the Geo Library. It was so good to see him! Within 20 minutes he had recommended several new books to me, explained about his horrible battle with cancer, we talked about everyone we knew in common, the library renovation, the Old Days, geniuses, mommyblogging, venezuelan politics (he had some interesting things to say about PDVSA) and more books, the past, present, and future of libraries and technology and university administrations… Well, you see why I loved working there when I was a student. It was better than my classes to hang out with Dennis. (Everyone who has worked for him knows this.)

To the geek lunch! OMG I can’t blog all of this day, it was way too intense! I listened to Bill, Evelyn, and John L. talk about the tsunami, hurricane, blogging, aftermath, databases. I kind of shot off my mouth about the fights over the peoplefinding data and who owned it. But then tried to make a point about how what’s needed is social software and actually… that maps api with it would be very slick… you need a City Directory plus social software. Because almost always, finding people wasn’t direct, but was a couple of degrees of separation away. Geneological research works that way too. But even more so in a huge disaster where no one is thinking too clearly about what the logical thing to do would be or who they should or could call. I see the problems with privacy this creates, but am not sure that’s a reason not to do it. *someone’s* going to do it anyway.

I wished Grace Davis had been there!

It was funny when I said that every family has a dirty secret they want to hide and David Nuñez said “In my family, it’s me.”

Outside the restaurant this woman approached me and seemed like she was going to ask me for money. And she was. i was thinking about the astrodome andn people I met there and feeling sad. Anyway, I listened to Phyllis, who turned out to be very interesting and who had gastritis very horribly, and seizures, and was on the same not-very-helpy ulcer meds I was on last fall, plus dilantin. She was just so shocked to have me go OMG I had that and it was the most painful thing… and not to be able to eat. She was in that same place, only able to sip tepid water, which still hurt, and had lost 40 pounds in just a few months, and nibbling crackers and bread… but unlike me was homeless and has a wad of other medical problems. She lives at the salvation army and got work there and tries to help take care of kids that come through. She’s lived there for 2 years. And wants to try to find a disability-benefits lawyer. I told her how I had one in the 90s and how it worked – they do it all for free for you, and then when you get a payment they take 20-25% of it. But then you’ll get years of back payments all at once and can afford a deposit on an apartment. We had a conversation about not having to justify one’s xtianness or non-alcohol-drinking status in order to deserve help. Well anyway I helped her buy her prescriptions. She had just gotten out of the hospital for the seizures and was wandering around. You see what I mean about my day being intense in random ways.

I wanted to go back to the conference but the library kept calling to me! I had 4 more pages of call numbers to go through. So back to the bus and the strange, endlessly long building which has posters of what look like quaker parakeets all over it. I’m not sure why that’s their logo. I spent a bunch of time in the Rare Books room, and read the rest of María Monvel’s 1930 anthology. It was even weirder and funnier than I remembered, with really catty snarky biographies for all the other poets and for Monvel herself, a two page quote of Gabriela Mistral kissing her ass. I can’t imagine. I don’t see Monvel’s thing, except that she makes a really good anthology. Her poetry was kind of “eh”… I wish I could remember who, at the last translator conference, asked me about women ultraísmo poets because there were several in there and one of them was super kick ass and had the word COMUNISTA in all her poems in capital letters. Annoyingly it was the only book of all the ones i got in the rare book room that said “no photocopying”. It was completely falling apart.

by library closing time at 6pm i was panting for breath (mentally). i could not take the day anymore and felt like collapsing. Also, i forgot to bring a water bottle. And had been standing up at the xerox machine for quite some time. By great good luck I got the bus right away!!! And my knees were still okay! Back in downtown, as I was walking back to the convention center to check my email, I had a wistful feeling like, “Oh hell, and now will be the moment when I don’t find anyone fun and end up going to dinner by myself, which would be okay, but, waaah.” And then ran into Prentiss anad went to dinner with him! And I got him to take me to the creek with the fossils in it and even though it was dark, it was a full moon and I found a huge wad of fossil snails that I think are called turritella somethingensis. We ate at Kerby Lane which was just the same except with fancier food. I got the queso with guacamole in the middle, which was different than it used to be… in some ways better, but i preferred it served in a shallow dish so you could see the guacamole and proportion the guac to queso ratio perfectly instead of blindly fishing around. We talked about a million things. Prentiss was very relaxing to be around even though he is full of ideas. We had all sorts of cool panel ideas and post-sxswi analysis and meta meta meta blahdeblah. My main thought was that this year we had the blogher invasion for women and next year should be the world invasion. Global Voices and the BlogHer world blogroll people should get invited, so we get some more non USians.

I was on the fence.. go back ot my hotel and blog? or go to the Media Temple party? last night’s eff party left me partied out and a bit jaded. We drove up and it looked tempting so I got out… and the party turned out to be awesome! Drinks were free and they were not chintzy drinks like many of the other parties, with lame drink tickets that got you only beer or something gross-tasting. No… it was just free with no fuss and the drinks were good. I hung out with Lanae and ruby and… imprudently shot my mouth off about C. who was weirdly rude to me but I got it that she’s just that way. It was like I was all “hi, are you interesting?” and she instantly began to treat me as if I were licking ass to beg for a job interview with her. arrogant! rude! We got very catty and laughed uproariously, which made me feel better about the whole thing. Lanae somehow instantly comfortable to hang out with which was good since I was tired of people trying to figure out what my deal was or if I was trying to game them in some way or if I was useful or important or a professional contact (I will tell you now… No… I’m extremely ornamental and full of baroque ideas, but useless for most practical purposes.) Then Lanae was going to see sleater-kinney… Again I was exhausted but how could I resist and I figured, my last night in Austin, go hear some really good music!!! I’m so glad I did. We drove around not quite remembering where it was. And then it was super huge and was all film people. Luckily Lanae was on the list and no one questioned my glomming along with her. The portapotties were clean. Miracle! Sleater Kinney started right as we finished peeing and we weaselled up front! It was fucking great. I will blog more about their greatness, I’m sure. I got very excited and nostalgic about old riot grrl shows and stuff and old punk shows i used to go to in houston and austin. Lanae was excited.. but she apparently sees them every chance she gets! She’s all cool and stuff, she has no idea I haven’t been to see any music in the last several years except for that one tower of power show.

Anyway, WTF with the film people because they don’t know how to do anything even approximating mosh and not dancing to great music is just disrespectful! it’s all about the happy breakdown of usual social barriers! I wanted to slam into everyone until I was covered in bruises! Even just some gentle jostling? Bouncing around dorkily on my own was fine though… I was happy except for the knees, which I ignored, because good punk rock is more important than knees.

The show seemed to be over. A lot of people left. A somewhat pathetic knot of die-hards clapped and yelled until the band came back.

Then it was like magic: danah and barb were there moshing around with me! As if I’d believed hard enough in fairies and so the sky opened up for the queer-ass disney fairy to drop down some cute as fuck punk girls ! hot damn! They didn’t play just one or two more songs – it was a whole second set. I was freaking out with joy at the driving velvet-undergroundiness of crazy harmonic noise! The drummer is a frenzied genius! And all of them are cute as fuck. What’s her name’s skirt had ruffles which, when she did a serious ass-kicking leap in the air with her guitar, the ruffles would flap around on her butt in the cutest way. And the other one, i have no words to describe her wiry rockstar butchy hotness!

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Henry Rollins talk

I can’t get in to the Henry Rollins talk. But I did once try to rip his shorts off in 1984 or so, at a Black Flag concert in Houston – he was wearing nothing but these little jogging shorts that were pretty much falling off anyway. He threw me off the stage into the mosh pit.

That was the fateful night I lost one of my shoes and had to explain it to my mom when I got home. Henry, dude, if you have my shoe… it was a suede grey and black bowling shoe with hot pink lining. I still miss it. And if you want to see my boobies, I’m wearing the blue-footed booby tshirt today to “increase my visibility”.

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bikinis and banks

good conversation really quick with David Swedlow who was on the folksonomy panel. he said something so great about different identities, authentication.

Swedlow: you go to the beach and you go to the bank, and you know not to wear your bikini at the bank.

Me: yes!!! and the thing is, no one thinks it’s weird that you own a bikini. you don’t get fired because you go to the beach wearing a bikini… everyone has multiple identities and depth to their personality… this is part of what was radical about the evolution of the novel… now, blogging reveals more of that. we MUST expect other people to have those depths & express them…

er. blah blah but you get the idea. note to self, look at what he meant by implicit tagging, i didn’t quite get it.

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Road trip with Dad to SXSWi

Highway 290 has this grungy smalltown beauty… the little towns are great. I wish I’d gotten a shot of the “hot rods” junk shop.

Lots of cow fields, scraggly-pine scrubland, aging gas stations, tiny downtowns trying to have comebacks as “quaint” – cash infusion with the last couple of years of high oil prices.

Where I lived in Houston used to look kind of like this. on 1960 there were just cow fields, scraggly 2nd-growth pines on top of old swamp, and an occasional metal building with one of those signs with changeable letters, and always a couple of little bobcat tractory tiny bulldozers or something, laying around. Then some 5th-rate strip malls. Then more strip malls came and the big huge Mall mall. My friend Thad in like, 7th grade, wrote a poem called “fake cows” that was about the weird sadness of seeing a couple of farm animals and a shack set amidst the shiny stores and parking lots. Now it’s all paved over and subdivisioned as far as the eye can see.

Dad and I were talking about how one should preserve whatever local character was in a place, while developing it. Instead of building like mad and then faking it and trying to make a fake “main street usa” thing in a mall all developed by the same company. One should have a subdivision perhaps but with the fields of cows or grain elevators integrated and part of the attraction of living there.

But then he pointed out that old main streets also might have felt fake. And whatt you need is layers of inauthenticity piled on top of each other, which is what you always have anyway. Which made me think of the part in Little Town on the Prairie where Laura I. is hating the false fronts of the new town and how there is nothing behind them…

My dad is getting more “liberal” these days.

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dinner, plane flight, parents’ house

Moomin almost puked during the plane landing! It was horrible! The rest of the flight I read a Mrs. Pollifax novel about being in Sicily and … “art” or something. It was one of the lamest books ever written. I wondered WTF… did I used to enjoy reading this series for some good reason? Or was I being really brain dead? Because this one was brainless, awful schlock and not in a good pop-culture-analyze-it way.

Last night after a dinner with us all at Bucccck’s, and non-stop superhero conversation and whether the hal jordan Green Lantern was cowardly or great for being masked.. sparked by Moomin…. Chula showed me this comic of JImmy Olsen as a Viking to illustrate why Jimmy Olsen is an asshole… and then the parody version of it in modern-style with old Jimmy photoshopped in. It was so great! We were talking about who was the audience (preteen boys?) and were they expected to identify, etc. Actually I think what I said was right in that they are stories about masculinity and class… sort of that there’s a meritocracy or natural aristocracy and the people who (like superman) can do great things can just do them. but people who (like jimmy) aren’t suited, shouldn’t try to wield power even if they have the tools to do it with, they dont’ know how to do it right. so it’s this political message… and it’s also kind of establishing the idea of man-ness. you either are (infallible adult authority) superman, or you are a dumb little boy. there is no in between! and so Jimmy has to be put in his place… and shown up whenever he tries to be a hero. and any heroism he thinks he has, is just faked to make him feel good about himself! that’s so sad! it’s the attitude of many an adult guy towards boys… that whole military upbringing thing… blah blah blah!

My parents house as always is super comfortable. it is even more full of books. I went around taking pictures of all the bookshelves. and of this car that minnie made out of a cardboard box, the tops from milk jugs for wheels, sparkly beads (which made me think maybe i made it? but it was her handwriting) and a license plate that said “squirrel power”. the handiwork of her and a.e. I’m sure… and headlights made from pennies. fuckin’ a… it’s hilarious.

I still have the clay totoro that moomin made for me when he was three. its ears are leaves.. brown and crumbling.

my dad came up with a great idea about the soul stock market. Everyone would sell shares of their soul. they’d go around trying to convince people that their souls are super valueable. different religions might spark buying frenzies.. or atheists… and people would pool their souls in mutual funds so investors could diversify conveniently. stock market experts make all that shit up anyway. so they’d have a great time making up shit about people’s souls and moral futures and ethical performances in the past. “It would be like the Internet bubble, or tulipmania” said my dad, increasingly wild-eyed, giggling, looking at the ceiling as if he could see it all projected there. “Like Enron.”

Moomin dove into the books as soon as we got here. My mom knows how to connect to him! she’s got his number. he is in heaven what with the attention, the books, the surety that he is King and God here… and the stuffed animals… i know it will weird him out deeply to be here without me and Rook, but I think he’ll also have a great time. This is certainly a house where people know how to all read together in a companionable way, loafing on couches. He digs that. My dad will also get on the floor and play endless games of Animal Adventures, explorers, wars, etc.

I could hang out here reading for a good long time! I mean, I already did that. And it would drive me nuts. My mom has already given me a lot of her old clothes from Fembot’s and Cheeko’s. *shudder* but also one nice long-sleeved tshirt that is very tight. she kept saying how she loved it… and i kept saying then why give it to me… and she finally went all funny and said it would not be appropriate really and so she never wears it anywhere… and I was like “Oh, you mean it makes you look too hot?” er! whoops! did I say that ? she laughed and said that was pretty much it. Earlier in the evening she showed me a cut on her hand that needed stitches apparently… but when it happened she was wearing no makeup and was in sweatpants and couldn’t cope withthe thought of trying to “get ready” to go to the hospital while holding a compression bandage on her spurting bloody wound. oooookay! I dont’ get it how you can’t look sweaty and un-made-up but you also can’t look hot. oH well! Wow, i just noticed how being “made-up” is like being … pretend.

When she retires i will give her fabulous hippie outfits, and mary janes with flames, and an olive-colored convertible with orange and teal detailing.

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correlations

As I get busier and more irritable, Moomin behaves worse to get attention. This should not be news to anyone but let it be a lesson to me in the obvious… pay real attention to my kid… it’s good for him and makes him wonderful and sweet and happy. For a few days I have been ignoring him completely while he reads comic books and then any time we interact it’s just me telling him to put his shoes on QUICK or me making him dinner or making him do homework. That’s no fun! Then he’s rude! Then I yell at him for being rude! Those boss-mom moments are way easier when I’m friend-mom most of the other times. I have to be less “busy”. Obviously the final push to finish the thesis will be hard, though.

Today was a super long day of hard thought and work. At 10pm my head exploded from ideas and wrassling them into form and order and linearity. It was like building a battleship out of jello. It’s REALLY GOOD JELLO, that stuff in my brain, but hard to keep the rivets in. A ton of writing on my thesis, so that now it’s too long. Then a long hot bath with a very stupid book, CS Forester book about some africans in a forest and it might be just too bad and racist to keep reading. Serena’s “aura cleansing” bath salts and a glass of hot milk with cognac in it… I know that sounds gross but I can’t deal with the alcohol b/c of my lingering stomach problems. Then watched Lathe of Heaven with Rook which was way overstimulating and then a long awesome-juicy-ideas email from T. which made my day, but also is making it hard to sleep because now I’m still THINKING.

Must! turn! off! brain! I used to be like this all the time and so.. insomnia. Come to me, little sleeping pill that might destroy me someday… I need you. My life is so much better these past few years, because of reliable sleep.

By the way.. my knee is much better (another reason I need sleep – to heal it up.) I walked down the hill at Moomin’s school today with only a little caution.

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Uh, Happy International Women’s Day?

Online News Hour discussion in which Sen. Bill Napoli says the only exception for rape to anti-abortion laws should be:

A real-life description to me would be a rape victim, brutally raped, savaged. The girl was a virgin. She was religious. She planned on saving her virginity until she was married. She was brutalized and raped, sodomized as bad as you can possibly make it, and is impregnated. I mean, that girl could be so messed up, physically and psychologically, that carrying that child could very well threaten her life.

Wow, you can see the drool running down his chin.

“Public discourse”… can I even use the words anymore? This is what it has come to, folks. Our politicians feel free to say this sort of thing on national TV. It’s impossible to rape a non-religious non-virgin. This means you, gentle reader. Did you know it’s open season on you? Just let that sink in for a few minutes. Our government thinks you can be raped with impunity… it’s not “real-life” unless you’re a religious virgin. Of course if you’re already despoiled there’s no value to steal and destroy…

Candy at Smart Bitches Trashy Books has coined a new word: napoli. To napoli is defined here: Bill Napoli. It’s a googlebombing campaign, so please link to that page using Bill Napoli’s full name. Whenever someone searches on Napoli’s name, Candy’s definition will come up on top.

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in a minute

Moomin: Do you know how to make a minute out of coins?

Rook: How?

Moomin: Three nickels, and one penny.

Rook: that’s…

Moomin: 16, and 16 seconds makes a minute.

(this explains a LOT about his concept of what “just a minute” means)

Rook: Actually it’s 60 seconds in a minute.

Moomin: Oh. Well then…. um…

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Moon and Sun

I started to read The Moon and Sun last night, and hardly came up for air. At 6am I woke up and finished it.

Ignobly… I snapped at Moomin because he was dawdling and I had to stop reading to help him get dressed and ready for school. (Rook got his breakfast and made his lunch.) He was cuddling up to me in bed and patting my face, sighing and saying “I love you, Mom” but I was patting him absentmindedly as I read the book over his head. Yeesh. Only later do I realize the book isn’t going to disappear… I can put it down and pay attention to my family… I’m better at this than i used to be, but The Moon and Sun overwhelmed me.

In the first half I was giggling at the things I’d heard people say about this book… that it was terrible… it was embarrassing… it was badly written and annoying and shouldn’t have won the Neb… And I thought “Oh of course people said that, because it’s femmy and Mary-Sueish and romance-novelly.” I saw what kind of set-up was going on – the same as in Troll. I was dying to see how she would handle Odelette’s enslavement and what would happen to her… (and it was all just right.)

The book got very intense, about halfway through… certainly before or during the crucial moment of the King’s hunt with the animals of the menagerie… and when they all said Marie-Josephe was mad, and the physician bled her. I could hardly stand to keep reading, it was so painful at that point. (I thought suddenly of my friend Lynlea and her role in a play by Carol Churchill about witches – the teenager freaking out about how her family was threatening her with being bled… and Lynlea played it so well.)

I could definitely read this book again and think about it more deeply.

I note that instead of romantic love being a trap, a lure, part of the co-optation of patriarchy… it’s pure melodrama… and love/sex is the only real relief from pain, isolation, mistrust. “Without boundaries”. The darker possibilities were not there, I don’t think (as they are in Bujold’s work). Though the end may be open to cynical interpretations of the exchange of jewels for liquor… the gratitude and wealth… the lack of actual family ties… and the threat of war underneath all in the ivory spears. So that love and exile are one result or solution, but they’re underlaid by war. (And again I’m thinking of the end of Aira’s La Liebre, with its exaggerated melodrama-marriages and the discoveries of kinship ties, lost brothers and mothers reunited.)

I enjoyed the religion/science/alchemy tensions – and wished for more alchemy to seep through the corners. The symbolic struggle of moon and sun, art, science, and political power, with the statue of Apollo in the fountain facing the wrong way, and Marie the only one who noticed. That was beautiful and I think I have to read the book again and some extra history to really get what’s going on. I’m on fire to go read some history of those times, but it will have to wait. (It’s a book that I want to connect in to my map of all other similar books and histories.)

japan sending an ambassador… I hadn’t thought… but surely it’s true. Hmmm. I suddenly recall the craze for “chinoiserie” etc. and then can’t remember the dates of what happened when in Japan. Here’s another fun thing to write up – what the ambassadors offered, and what they were given in return.

I realized last year that I needed to search out and read everything by Vonda McIntyre… so, that will definitely happen.

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upcoming

Holy tamales… thanks to upcoming.org and the SXSWi party rsvp-ing I just came across a lovely ex-girlfriend…Yay, I heard from her a few years ago but didn’t know she was going to the conference. We used to write propaganda and articles together and be all activisty and stufff. She was awesome at research – super fierce & smart & cool. One of the good people in the world…

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